After a hiatus of a few months while I dated Rachael (#22) exclusively, I’m now back in the OkCupid saddle (trenches?) again.

While I enjoyed myself in my relationship with Rachael, I did miss the habit forming, compulsive aspects of online dating – namely the steady trickle of prospective new lovers to sort through and pursue, as well as the constant roll of the dice excitement of checking my email for news of new messages or contacts through the site.

The grass always being greener of course, it hasn’t turned out to be a thrill a minute since things ended with Rachael earlier this month.

One of the iron laws of online dating that I formulated in my first spin around the block from December 2012 to April 2013 was that one must not attempt to message people from a psychic standpoint of sadness, loneliness, or desperation. I’m not referring to how a lonely person might message people at 2 am Saturday night thus sending the wrong signal, or how the desperate might cast a wider net out of grim determination to find someone, anyone at all.

I’ve had emotional ups and downs over my stints, and I’ve messaged women while in moods good, fair, and foul. I’d like to think that my messages are uniformly good-natured, effortlessly charming, and appropriately thoughtful and engaging, but my results tell me otherwise.

In the wake of my breakup with Rachael I went on a binge, reactivating my profile within the day and scouting out all the women I’d missed out on who’d joined the site since I’d quit. I found a bunch that were suitably attractive and shared enough with me in interests and life outlook, so with a bit of swagger and a desire to stick it to an ex with a quick turnaround, I messaged 10 or 11 women.

Replies? Zero.

A bit of a hit to the ego. I compared notes with one of my best friends on the site and he said he’d been striking out a lot lately as well and that he was taking a break to reassess and that he was bummed out from the results he’d had so far.

It’s easy to envision people of the opposite sex on OkCupid as a bit of a monolith – akin to how all the women at the bar watching a poor sap strike out as he makes his move mark him off as a failure for the rest of the night. Psychologically, it can certainly be difficult to pick yourself up after sending a graceful, thought out message to a woman with whom you’re confident you share quite a bit of compatibility and hitting a wall of silence.

Don’t get bummed! It seems so obvious as to be banal, but every person you message is an independent event in terms of probabilities. Maybe one was annoyed you didn’t capitalize your sentences while the next might view perfect syntax and grammar as hallmarks of an uptight bore. Maybe you dissed her favorite book, maybe you like uncool music – there’s a million reasons to fall in love with someone or to rule someone out as a suitor and it’s important to realize that unless you or your profile has changed drastically, hot and cold streaks don’t really exist and that rejection or success from each person you contact has little bearing on those you approach going forward.

For what it’s worth, for tonight, tomorrow night, and Friday night I’ve got dates with three different women lined up off OkCupid. So I’m glad I didn’t let the whiff fest from three weeks ago get me down.